Working Title

Does it come in Envy Green?

I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry these days....

I go from being brave enough to take on the world to grieving all my wasted time....

Is this what happens when one is facing twenty-ten in the face?

The truth is that I have no reason whatsoever to be jealous of anyone... I have a really good life and the Lord is WAY better to me than I deserve.

It just creeps out of the corner sometimes.

So, please pray for me... I got to go put on something red!

Yummy, Yummy Elephant

My dad has a mantra for dealing with stress..."you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time."

I have been eating a lot of elephant lately.

For starters, I am moving in one week. I still have a lot to pack. The movers will be here when I am at work. Gotta have it done on time.

I have a paper due tomorrow and two on Thursday. I haven't started any of them.

I am supposed to have sharegroup tonight, class tomorrow and Thursday, rehearsal on Wednesday.

I am trying to focus on the plate in front of me.

mmm....elephant!

Friendship for a Cause

I am really grappling with something. And, I don't want to be a jerk, nor a victim when I say this....but, I have just realized that I know NOTHING about love, friendship or commitment. Consequently, it is a MIRACLE that I have the relationships I do.

I say that I know nothing for the following reasons: A. Believing in a shared interest is not enough to maintain a friendship or relationship. Why? Because interests change and people change. B. Suffering through some life change aspect is not enough to maintain a relationship. C. To follow that up, simply having suffered through history with someone (childhood friends, parents are friends, worked together, etc) is not enough.

The only thing that is enough is a mutual agreement to be the best person you can be and expect the best from them.

I have two great girls that I have sharegroup with each week. This is a HUGE place for me. I have learned more about trust, about my own emotional fear and about friendship in this circle than I have ever learned in my life. I am honestly embarrassed to be in my late twenties grappling with this. I find myself wondering, "When did I get off the train? When was I allowed to just be this way?"

Up until a few years ago, I rarely had anyone tell me no. I look back at myself at the time... I was a wreck. I was really selfish, rude, angry and depressed. And, I took it out on anyone who would let me. Then I met a young pastor. He would stand up to me any chance he got. I don't know what motivated him to do and say some of the things that he did, but his response to me made me examine my own life a little more.

I feel like I am in that phase again. And the question this time is, "can I have deeper more meaningful relationships?" I think I can. I just have to be wary of becoming "friends" for convenience, charity, etc. I need to be crystal clear about what I am looking for - someone who is trying to be the best they can be, expecting me to be the best I can be, and willing to practice forgiveness and acceptance with me.

Any takers?

Small Thought on a Big Canvas

I am a closet painter. I love to play in the paint.

When I find myself painting, it is usually in the midst of processing great change in my life.

Last night, I was up watching the news and painting... when it struck me.

My painting is my way of openly saying I surrender.. to whatever is going on in my life. It is my way to reconcile and reconnect with what is going on within me.

The last few weeks have been busy.

On Labor Day, I went to check on my grandfather at my parents house. One thing led to another and we ended up at the ER. At 90, my grandfather had suffered a ruptured appendix. Thankfully, it walled itself off until the surgeon got to it. He is in rehab this week. Please pray for him. I am unusually partial to him.

  Through this experience, years of family baggage has begun to surface. And honestly, I feel like a lot of the things the Lord has taught me in the past few years are coming to the forefront. I don't feel such a personal sting to some of the family drama. I am able to walk away more often than not. But, as my dad and his siblings work through some of these issues, I find myself grateful that my silings and I have already started on a good path years before. It is really our mission not to repeat the past.

Naive, maybe... but we are willing to fight for the right to be idealistic.

Then last weekend, I went to see Matthew Kelly. I had a wonderful time. I am looking forward to going back again next year. I am still reeling from some of the clarity that the weekend brought. A wonderful moment where Father Eduardo explained how to pray for peace in your own life and to be peace to others lives. When Matt talked about the clarity factor coming from specific prayers. And the meditiation. I have a new hobby to say the least. If you have never read one of Matt's books, try the Rythm of Life to start.

The neatest thing about the weekend was the correlation of messages. I have been involved in the fringes of the emergent church movement. The focus on social justice, being the hands and feet of Jesus, finding similarities, not differences. These are the same messages. I was struck by the fact that the Christian church has spent generations dividing and classifying one another... And now, they are trying to come back together. I think it is refreshing and breathtaking all at the same time. I am really grateful for the experience and glad Bridget continued to ask. I made some great friends as you can see.

We also celebrated Brody's 2nd birthday...

I had sharegroup last night with the girls. We have all been strung out lately. Keep all of us in your prayers when you can. I did feel like we were out of sync last night. Maybe it's because the last three weeks have been a blur. Maybe it's because we are entering a new phase. Not sure.

But, when I found myself painting last night. I found myself unable to finish the canvas. My focus seem to be on this one corner.

I know that the Lord gives us clarity in small pieces for a reason. I know now that as a believer, I can really make no mistake. So - what is there to fear? So, in the small corner I wrote, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" I will have no fear.