Working Title

The Air of Contentment

Sometimes I get myself all worked up over nothing.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I could give some a line about the craziness in the air, or all the changes that have been going on lately, but let me be honest - it's all in my head.

I find that if I am content in my head... that's how I feel.

If I am impatient, I find myself living impatiently.

For those of you who know me in real life... you are aware that patience is something I grapple with - a lot! And although I will not pray for the Lord to torture me give me patience, I pray that He gives me grace to focus my mind on the right things.

I could really use a fresh blow of contentment today.... how about you?

Expectation and Reality

I am really struggling today. Call it a bout with selfishness. Call it whatever you want, but today - these two words suck.

I think I am about to having a self-loathing/self-revelation moment... So excuse me while I have an emotional throw-up, of sorts.

The problem is that I just struggle with these words/concepts/maturity benchmarks in ways that I don't think I should... and when I do - it often lands me on the sharp end of the stick.

My BF Jen reminds me with great regularity that I have very high expectations for myself and others. I have always perceived that I wasn't asking anymore out of someone than I would ask of myself (note to others - remember this when you criticize)

My reality has been a little surreal lately.

BF Angela is back in school. Totally taking control of her life. I am really inspired by her determination.

BF Jolene is expecting... She is going to be a REALLY great mom!

BF Jen is taking on a new level professionally and I am SO proud of her. I will miss her on the West Coast, but she is always in my heart.

And, honestly... I AM excited about this... but it leaves me feeling a little lost.

Grandpa is still in the rehab facility. A man who fought in the Battle of the Bulge during WWII. He is hard core. And, even though people don't get it. We have a close relationship. I worry a lot about him.

Work is work... and it's work that I am grateful for... but do not want to do the rest of my life. Work has also had some major changes. I don't like talking about work, because I always think it is unprofessional. But, my office of one has been de-cubed and reconstructed into an office for four, which now only needs space for three.

If you are confused, join the party.

Class - is great, horrid and boring. I have two classes that teeter in the realm of organized circus. It makes me wonder why I was so afraid to get my masters. It is a lot like a review of my junior and senior year of undergrad. I am really looking forward to finishing and to working with clients. That's right - paying clients.

Shall we discuss the third course?

You know L-O-V-E.....

Maybe it's all the therapy. Maybe it's the priests I have been hanging out with lately. Maybe I am aging. But, I think I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

I am working on being more concerned with who I am than what I do. I am working on using what you have to bring the most to the table. Trying to reconcile the past with where I would really like to go in the future. A fresh-start without running away.

And like the priest told me... Jesus loved you enough to die on the cross for you... can you not show others an ounce of that same love? He is right... and someday I will get a chance to love someone with just a measure of that love... and when I do - it will be epic.

Gracias Padre Eduadro.... You really are a lifesaver.

Once Upon a Funny Story

AH! Family! The joy bring and the laughter they provide is sometimes more than I can handle. Sometimes, they provide joy and laughter without even realizing it.

Last night, I went walking with my sister. In the thows of me asking for her steamer to take down some dreadful wallpaper, she says, "Oh, by the way, can you take me over to the local dealer to drop off my SUV?" I, of course said sure and when. "Oh, tonight" she said. When were you going to say something? I snapped. Well I forgot... said sister.

HMMM something tells me I'd remember.

But, I digress....

Anyway, we make it over to her house to realize that chaos has ensued while we were gone. Husband and children have not eaten, etc. And the clock says 7:45. I sit in the driveway for 40 minutes. Husband takes out car seats, etc. Sister comes out - so, it appears that I need to stay here and take care of things. Husband will go over and drop the car off with you. I pull out of the driveway after saying bye to upset nephew and start toward the dealer.

I call sister. Did Husband leave? Yes, why? I can't find him. He was there one minute and now he is gone. Needless to say, Husband ended up behind me and we made it to dealership without issue. At the dealership, Husband proceeded to park vehicle for overnight in the fire lane.

Did I just hear you say, Bless his heart? Cause I sure did.

Anyway, an hour and a few minutes later. I finally made it back home.

What's New in The Neighborhood?

As some of you might be aware, I just recently moved. WEE! I think I calculated that this is move 16 for me... And, since I am not yet 30, that means a mightly lot o' moving.

In the midst of moving, I am also working on classes, dealing with stress at my job and an ill grandfather. If you would all continue to pray for him, I would really appreciate it.

So - when I finally took a moment to pause a week ago, my blood pressure was 129/101. Not good. The good part is that the doctor thinks if I rest more, work out more and loose some more weight, I ought to be okay.

I think I probably need to do a little more to control some of my stress, but we will see where this all leads.

Why I Don't Have Children...

Mom,

I am warning you that this post MIGHT be upsetting. If you stop reading now, I totally understand. It's not that I don't love kids... cause I do. I would love a house full of boisterous boys who play sports and eat man-meals. But, I find myself parenting WAY more than I should. I am working on this, because I don't think you can have a real relationship with anyone or anything if you are always taking care of everything. Maybe this is why I like that 27 Dresses movie so much.

Point being, I am trying. I am trying to stop taking care of and fixing things for everyone all the time. There is really nothing wrong with the way that they are doing things, the problem is me. It's control freak with a side of personal neediness (love=being needed) and a dash of perfectionism. Which, in my defense, gets a little lighter all the time.

So - maybe one day, I like Jane will stop being "Jesus", and find someone who will take care of me occasionally. Maybe then we will have kids.

I will keep you posted!

Love,

A

Sha - Nah- Nah- Nah

I signed my life away yesterday. Quite literally..

I found myself on the back porch of our new casa asking KJ, "are we old enough to have a house?"

The look I got said I was an idiot.

I can't help it.. I still struggle with am I smart enough to go to Kindergarten? Can I handle it? I ask those questions and hear God say "This and so much more." So, I am going to combat doubt with music.

Anyone for the Sha-Nah-Nah part on the bridge?

Where Do We Go From Here?

I am a planner, an orchestrator, a creative organizer, a problem solver.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized how much I like projects. I think that is why I am a nearly habitual student. I also think that is why I fail at relational issues, too.

I like projects.

I like goals, achievements... things you can plan for.

I am not big on impulse. Even when it looks like impulse, I just knew it was coming and said nothing to make you all THINK I could be impulsive and spontaneous.

I used to tell myself that I could be like my mom and fly by the seat of my pants. She is quite good at it... but I just end up an emotional wreck looking for my white picket fence and getting a rusty metal one instead.

But ya know what.. When I plan and calculate too much, I control. When I plan and stick my neck out, trusting God that He will take care of the big picture... I get to be in the moment. A rare thing for a planner.

So, as I start a new journey in about an hour, I know that the thimping in my ears is just the feeling of something new. Maybe something a little out of my control. I know that God has placed all of the right elements here and that for some reason, for this moment... this is where and what I am supposed to be/do. And, I am praying that the rest of the map will appear at exactly the right moment.

Maybe just for old times' sake we can all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

It's okay to be brave...

It's okay to be scared....

It's okay to be adventurous....

It's okay to be.....

It's okay....

Happy Birthday Boss Lady!

Am I Making a Huge Mistake?

This question has crippled a lot of my life.

I am trying not to let it ruin today....

The keys to the house are available this evening, after some paperwork...of course.

I admit to being nervous about moving back to Canal. I left that part of town an emotional wreck because everyone around me was so needy.

I felt God was warning me the other day. It was quiet, yet distinct, but I heard..."Be aware. You are headed back out to help."

I am really grateful when God calls me away. It always means a huge period of growth.. and a little rest.

But, I still fight the questions about whether or not I am doing the right thing and whether or not I am strong enough to handle it.

Maybe I just need to repeat my new motto, " I am not afraid anymore."

Pray for me, will you?

Normalcy, Where Art Thou?

I am living out of boxes right now.. And, like everytime I move, I find myself asking... Would life be so bad if I didn't have all of this. I would miss the furniture, but the clothes? Maybe not. I try very hard not to get sucked into the "keeoing up with jones'" thing. No offense CJ.

But, I also find myself reflecting on my everyday life. What I perceive as normal, is just my version of things. Normalcy is what we are... Everything else is just what you do.